Toilet Humor

June 21. 5 years ago.

For lack of anything to do, me and Ryan my PolSci classmate, decided to kill time at the Vargas Museum the other day.

It has a different showcase every month.

This time, I think, the theme was monochrome. The art of black, white and gray. Pillows with black and white photos of tombstones on them. Miniature negatives of various faces against X rays. A giant acrylic painting of a pitbull that looked like a big-ass photograph from afar. Some dude came up with an etch painting of a lunar eclipse.

The most interesting feature, though, was the one where some woman took pictures of various sections of bathroom graffitti and placed them up in checkered squares on the floor. It was all in black and white; coated with varnish, and by some trick, it made the pentel pen writings look bolder and cooler.

It served more as a preservation/ compilation of amusing vandalisms that could someday be painted over and thus, be lost to us forever.

Being a girl with a semi-hyperactive bladder, I do frequent ladies’ bathrooms a lot. All over school, in every major building, in every wing.

Crouching rather seriously and waiting for your nominal stream of pee, you really can’t help but notice the explosion of handwriting on the pink stall doors; most of the time they’re just inches from your face screaming READ ME!! So more or less I was familiar with the graffitti even before it was photographed and made into art. Im sure all you lasses have seen your fair share eh?

You might marvel at all that you could read.

One asks in earnest, “Kung fininger ka ng boyfriend mo, virgin ka pa ba?” [If your boyfriend fingers you, are you still a virgin?]
And a number of people answer in pencil or indelible pen.

Another query: “How do you make your boyfriend come?” (Miguel leaned forward interestedly when I asked him one day, “Yes, how nga ba?”)
Yet another asks, “Paano ka makipag-sex na hindi ka mabubuntis?” [How do you have sex without getting pregnant?]

A very helpful young lass answers the latter in bullet form.
1) ipaputok mo sa mouth. masarap. *scrawled smiley* [Make him come in your mouth. It’s good.]
2) bilang ka ng 10 days pagkatapos ng mens mo tapos… [Count 10 days after your period and then…] and the rest can be viewed at the ladies C.R. 1st floor, Main Library.

Of course, some are appalled by the show of promiscuity. A bold marker writes “Ano ba yan! Mga taga-U.P. ba ang alam lang lahat ay SEX?? Nakakahiya kayo!” And, of course, a catfight in text form ensues.

Another more desperate soul wrote down her whole life story in pencil. Something about her dad having a family by his mistress and the dad not paying child support or something. It was serious telenovela material.

It makes you wonder what the enchantment of a bathroom stall holds that would spurn such writings. A communal message board where one could ask for advice in relative anonymity. A little space for escape if you just need to pour your heart out on… er…wall. Some may be false and written in jest. Some may be actual real life stories by a lonely girl, sitting on a dirty latrine, with no friends to tell these things to, marker in hand, scribbling for piece of mind. Peeing, perhaps. But we won’t go there.

Spill ye pee and ye soul, o unholy mortals!

The funniest thing I saw though, was a writing in one of the comfort rooms at the Arts and Sciences building

This girl writes, in white ink: “I just lost my virginity last night to my bf. What do I do??!”

A clever girl (god bless you dear whoever you are) said, “O de bawiin mo sa boyfriend mo!!” So it’s like, “Baby, could you give me back my hymen?”

Among a flurry of scrawled replies, that one made me laugh out loud so hard that when I emerged from the stall, I got stares from the lady pack slaving in front of zee mirrah powdering their noses and combing their hair. Their curious glances followed me out into the hallway until I disappeared from view into the sea of students.

And to the womyn, hope you got your virginity back. 😀


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